have i sold my soul to the devil? probably...

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emaayan
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have i sold my soul to the devil? probably...

Post by emaayan » Sun Oct 10, 2010 12:46 pm

:twisted: but at least i'm free...

months back , i posted a question, asking if it's too late for me, after a disscussion, which i'm sure some of ya'lll have noticed something is horribly worng with me, i came up with basic excersics program.

the question i can now say is mute, i'm not a person to fitness, i've cancelled my jym never to return to it again, i've gained 30 pounds (i think) , and i don't care i'll pass out of a heart a attack or something worse ,tommorw.

becouse i'm free, from the minute i woke up in the morning, i couldn't stop thinking, "did i sleep ok, long enough, well enough? am i strong enough.." i started counting the time from when i started eating breakfest calculating a 3 hour interval to lunch, always looking at my watch, afraird i miss out on it, , or a meeting might pop up, and i would have to delay eating, which might cause imbalance, and weakness when i will start training, and from lunch i started counting to mid-lunch, while stressing what should i eat that won't collide with what i ate later, and then calculating what should i eat the next 3 hours, and stressing even MORE, if some event would occur, that would delay my training, and i would start re-claculating all the days in the week i should train again.

by the time i do arrive to the gym, my efforts, to run the exercises smoothly as possible, never stopping for anything but the allocated rest time have reached a degree of madness, i tied myself the towl and water bottle on each side so i won't forget and stop to get them after each set, i downloaded a timer program to my cell phone so i won't have to keep looking for a clock to count the break times , i purchased a "power factor, a device which looks like a cross between a bomb and a toy, so i won't get mixed up between counting sets and breathing.

that was the time i understood, that this cannot go on, on the bright side this was one of the cataysts that got my diagnosis for OCD, when i told the pdoc about all of this, (and others incidents ) for my final question his reply was "hell YEA, no doubt about, no question at all" , which got me a nice zoloft.
funny thing, the keep telling you psyhcostimulants are big no-no when you have anxiety disorders (because they tend to beef them up) , but becouse of my previosly diagnosed add, i was loaded on them up big time. :) ,still no expirience is valuable.

also went ahead and bought electric bike, (got tired of sweating to work) so my road to life of diabetes and other disorders, is hastend even more (although that may motivate me to actually loose weight, becouse if i'm ligther , the battery would last longer, go figure.. i'm insane after all).

so did i sell my soul to the devil of comfort? probably, but since the day i made the decision, i feel so might "lighter" i actually got things done on my vacation, instead of keeping on edge of my seat at home, wondering if should go NOW, or LATER, trying to work out the optimal path.

so, i won't have a chance with "babes" (hell, i never did anyway), i won't live long and prosper, but at least, i have a chance, to actually to think more clearly.

i know ya'll think that these are just execuces from a frail quitter, i don't exepct you to understand, but i still had to write this down.


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Post by xshawnxearthx » Sun Oct 10, 2010 1:04 pm

If physical fitness and being healthy was easy, you wouldn't have so many out of shape people in the world.

Oh well, you made it easier for others to work out without having to wait at a bench or station, waiting for someone who wasn't really committed.

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Post by Mini mahouse » Sun Oct 10, 2010 1:19 pm

I feel sorry for you : )

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Post by Jebus » Sun Oct 10, 2010 1:42 pm

Are you asking us if you sold your soul to the devil by buying an electric bike?

Edit: Sorry, after re-reading your post I understand it more. Though I'm not someone who can really help you with this but there are people who can.
Actually lol I found this quite funny, http://twitter.com/$h1t

Comedy's always good.
Last edited by Jebus on Sun Oct 10, 2010 11:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Ironman
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Post by Ironman » Sun Oct 10, 2010 2:31 pm

emaayan, that's a very sad story. I can relate, I also have OCD. It's not quite as bad as yours though, at least the compulsive part anyway. I have ADD too, they tend to go together.

Listen though, you are engaging in all or nothing behavior. You are not free. This is still a symptom of your problem. You won't be free until you learn that it's not all or nothing. Avoidance IS a compulsion. You have to be able to do these things without overdoing them in order to be free.

Maybe you go to the gym 3 days a week, and you just spend 40 minutes at it. Maybe you have to skip it sometimes, and that's ok. Maybe you eat well most of the time. But if you miss a meal, or splurge sometimes, that's ok. You don't have to be anywhere near perfect in order to something. Nobody else is perfect.

Think about it like this, there is balance between being healthy and enjoying yourself. Being healthy will also contribute to enjoying yourself, because you need your health to do that.

Why don't you try this. Go back to working out and eating right. But do it imperfectly INTENTIONALLY. Set your schedule to go to the gym 3 times a week religiously, but just intentionally blow it off once or twice a month. Eat good for the most part, but maybe on the weekend you run through the drive through for a meal and just totally pig out. Whenever you get busy at work, just say "Well I usually eat a snack now, but today I'm not going to because I'm busy, and I really don't care".

No excuses with the babes. There is someone for everyone. Just approach it with an open mind, don't be picky.


emaayan
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i'm all or nothing kinda a guy

Post by emaayan » Sun Oct 10, 2010 3:14 pm

btw it's funny your avatar is a cat, my OCD is contagious evidently , i actually gave it to my cat (seriously , i had to give him prozac on a vet's advice because he started scratching his neck until he created 20cm bleeding wound, just he's insane owner does to his own finger tips..)

to the gym i'm not going back, infact aside from going to work , i'm not going to go anywhere, i've re-arranged my 12 square meter room, to become, bedroom,tv,games,music eating room, and yes, include an political trainer and a bench + weights.
doing things rights has a reason, because i'm always afraid i might injure myself, and then i go on this guilt trip that i'm needed at home and let everyone down. which may have it's own basis, becouse on top of my add, and OCD, i was diagnosed with a "bonus" disorder of NVLD, which has problems in spatial vision, which effects, wait, coordination... so bumping into things, and being a clutz, not helping anxiety disorders..

, not to mention that when i do reach the correct weight i get "lordy , your legs are so skinny, and your have pressed cheeks, and still have a belly" for my money on one side and get the gym folks say i have weak back muscles and that all that riding i do maybe bad for me. i try to avoid consulting someone at a gym because i always think they are just youngsters who see me as an easy prey for getting my money.
it's doesn't help to have so many conflicting information, that doing something, means always your are doing something wrong, and having to listen someone say "don't listen this and that, I have experience..." while they sound exactly the same.

it's funny CBT is being praised for aiding disorders, but my CBT for my add, was being powered by OCD, untill it almost buried me. (oh vay, alphabet soup ahoy..)

also in regards to eating,i never thought about before OCD , but i think the compulsion to eat something good, when i reach a certain part in a tv series (the highlight as it were) maybe caused by OCD.

btw my PDOC says i could be a PDOC myself but in a bad way because i'm quick to label things, and i think he's right, because .ah.. NVLD ah.. tends to ...ah.. require verbal definitions for everything (alright!, i can't help it. maybe it's my OCD.., damit!, i did it again!)..


and about babes, i think i took care of that, because one of the reason i took SSRI was to eliminate my sex drive,which worked wonderfully. i don't want to picky, but i'm still attracted to physical appearance, and feel guilty for thinking about choosing in the first place, so i figured just like the gym, i'm not cut out for this whole girls, relationship, physical stuff.

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Post by pdellorto » Sun Oct 10, 2010 3:48 pm

I think you've got problems we can't address, but one thing we can is the trainer thing.

You would benefit from a local, reputable trainer. You could offload the whole "what do I do at the gym?" thing to that one person. Lots of small-studio trainers are out there, and can offer private training.

I'd hate to see someone bag their health, sex drive, and long-term happiness just to avoid getting hassled by jerks at the local gym. They are far from the only option! Find someone for one-on-one training at home or at their gym, make sure they know their stuff (ask for references and check them), and that's one less thing to worry about. The improved physical health can't hurt your other difficulties and you can concentrate more on them.

Hope that helps,

Peter

emaayan
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i have considered a personal trainer

Post by emaayan » Mon Oct 11, 2010 11:40 am

one who speclilses in back stability, even considered a feeemale, to appeal my hidden biological nature to impress, but i think it's too soon, every time even start to think about training, the whole 9 yards, comes washing my mind. it's like there's no room anything else, if that's commitment for me, then i can't see the point.

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Post by robertscott » Mon Oct 11, 2010 3:12 pm

man whatever you do don't give up on babes, life's too short to miss out on the good stuff and a good women is one of the best

emaayan
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dude if there's anything my instinct tell me

Post by emaayan » Mon Oct 11, 2010 3:36 pm

is that babes are off limits for me, waaaaaay off, as in not in the playing field, no matter how much i beef up.:) (it's an illusion i create that try to motivate but just that).

babes do not like a guy who is mental
they do not like him car-less
they do not like him home-less (still living with my dad)l.
they do not like him expirence-less (on all aspects)
they do not like him speech-less (on the other hand, over talking is an issue with me as well).

it's not like i'm giving up, but to me that would be like standing infront of a heavy truck driving at 54 mph, saying, that's not really there...

next month i'll be 34 years old, and i'm out of sync with ..babes :).

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Post by nygmen » Mon Oct 11, 2010 8:07 pm

Dude, women should be the least of your worries right now.

You need to get yourself in order before you can even hope to have a successful relationship.

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Post by Ironman » Tue Oct 12, 2010 2:47 am

Aha, I know whats wrong with me now. I looked up NLD.

AS and NLD are generally thought to describe pretty much the same kind of disorder, but to differ in severity—with AS describing more severe symptoms.
My mom and one or two others told me years ago they thought I had AS (Aspergers). However when I looked it up, I had a lot of the symptoms, but I didn't quite fit it. I was missing a couple defining characteristics. So I figured I must have something in that spectrum. I would say that I had something that was like a less severe form of Aspergers. That appears to be what NLD is. That describes me almost exactly when I was a kid.

Being extremely intelligent greatly mitigated many of those cognitive symptoms, but otherwise that totally describes me. That is also what allowed me to make workaround solutions for some of that stuff which I developed over many years. It's kind of funny that all their recommendations are things I use as coping mechanisms. I just figured out how to do that over time.

My mother was in labor for many hours before they gave up and did a c-section. My head got a little squished during labor. So we knew I had some brain trauma, and I always thought that had a lot to do with it. Sure enough, damage to the right brain is the leading theory as to the cause. By any chance did that happen to you?

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Post by frogbyte » Sat Nov 20, 2010 7:07 pm

Just channel your OCD into psychotically avoiding sugar and starch, and you'll probably be fine without the exercise.


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